Posted by Tragic_Princess on 2015/04/12 under Uncategorized Man I am so stressed, it sucks sometimes……sorry all the time, but its funny one of my weaknesses (being Bipolar) can help sometimes because one second I’m ready to disappear then the next I’m normal. I’m never actually normal though, I’m either hiding behind a mask, sometimes unwillingly since having D.I.D., or I’m a blank canvas and not fitting in anywhere because I’m no acting the way someone should in my situation. But honestly what do they know? I may not feel anything then but sometimes hat nothing is just another mask protecting my vulnerable side from others trying to take me down when im down, then later have a mental break down alone in my room from the built up emotion. I do have to say though being normal is something i never want to be, even with all the issues because without them i wouldn’t be me. I guess thats all i have for my rant/ journal today
I just crave and hope for someone to accept and love me for who i am. it’s a big thing to ask for, i know, but i have hope it could happen, it has before but it never worked out. It was with James, and was long distance like all my other relationships. (Side note: its funny because normally in these confessions people put fake names but this one is both real and fake to me). James was sweet, kind and caring, but the issue wast that.. it felt like he didnt love me. I knew he did but i felt like he didnt. you may feel like it doesnt make sense but it does to me. to explain it in words i guess it would be like logically it was piratical and made sense to believe he loved me but i never officially felt it from him, and if i did it felt brief and fleeting. I feel its probably because i can and do tell myself i dont know what love is. yeah you could think of it in a logical way like i sometimes do, but love isnt logical. and yes you can look at others and build a description off of other ideas and examples, but then those descriptive words for that bold, hurtful, and yet amazing word, wouldnt be genuine. words are never genuine though, i believe in actions far more than words. I dont mean like oh go buy me things or take me somewhere , i mean like an action as simple as hugging me from behind pulling me close and just swaying when in front of other girls or your friends. i want something public and intimate to tell me im yours and your mine, no one else involved. something like waking me up in the morning to tell me you have to go so i wont worry when i see that your gone or forehead kisses, i dont know… i want that caring feeling. like i said ive felt it before, and james wasnt the only one there was raylen too. (Not sure if his name was fake too?) I felt like i really did love him and im not sure but i possibly still do (Even with the idea stuck in my head that i dont know what love is). I felt as though it was going to last forever with him and we even went as far as to try and plan his escape from rehab and my esacpe from my s***ty home, but i have no clue what happened to him….. one day he just stopped talking to me. It hurt and it scared me, it still does not knowing what happened or where he is. i feel terrible too because my dumbass betrayed his trust just because i didnt know what to do in a situation. its happened before with james too where some random guy will want to talk or sext and for some reason i just go along. some people may be like so what? but for me i hated that i did it. i never got seriously into doing it i more or less just went along with short effortless replys to keep them happy or whatever. i still dont know why i did it. of course i had to tell them something once i told them what i did so i blamed it on my D.I.Disorder. it worked but it hurt lying like that but i didnt know what to do. i dont know why i did it i had absolutely no reason to i just did. i know it caused them pain and i know its probably because of that hat my love life never works out. i apologized over and over and they did forgive me, so logically i don think that incident was why it never worked but emotionally i feel it was and i dont really blame them.
Being alone now can suck but its alright too. right now im mostly content but it can suck too. most of the time im just wishing i could at least have a crush so i could at least have those anazing moments ike when they look at you and youre excited or when you have a good conversation. i feel bad for who ever is stuck with me but at the same time i know who ever it is i wont let go and i hope for the same from them.
Stress has been a big pain for me lately. ive been sick for a long time now and the doctors havent been able to find out what it is. its nothing life threatening as far as i know but it is extremely painful. i try my best to hide the pain, i will speak of it and miss school because of it but i will never show anyone how weak i truly am in the moment. but anyways, this pain has been the cause for me missing a lot of school and thus causing me to be failing 4 of my 6 classes them being English, French, Math, and A.P. Studio Art. its not too bad i just have a bunch of missing work i mus make up and tests i need to take, the issue is from the people around me though. i get they care or are worried or are skeptical on whether im faking it or not but i just wish they would drop it. i would love the help finishing the work and knowing what it is instead of the unhelping attitude and the constand ignorance from them. its not easy to do work that you dont know what it is and the attitude i get for trying to catch up isnt encouraging. all i want to do is ge my work done so i can at least get a c- and pass so i don have credits to make up hat end up f***ing up my schedule for senior year. I also wish i could find out whats wrong with my stomach. :/
(P.S. this is my first post here and i was curious do people really read these?)